


On Every Fire Escape

by GamblingDementor



Category: In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Growing Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 19:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7374898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GamblingDementor/pseuds/GamblingDementor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>When I was a child I stayed wide awake, climbed to the highest place, on every fire escape, restless to climb…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>A series of drabbles about Nina and fire escapes all throughout her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 6 or First time

Nina isn't _dumb_. Well, of course she knows she's not dumb. Everyone says she's smart, the smartest, and at some point she has to believe that there is a little bit of truth in that. But she knows what things mean, she understands consequences, and she knows that whenever Dad comes home from work and he smells gross with his mechanic overalls because he says he can't afford someone else to fix the cars, then Mom is always going to tell her to go play with friends and Nina is going to be kicked out of her own home.

 

Usually she goes to Abuela's because she loves Abuela and her hair that smells nice and her cooking, but these days she's often taking care of Usnavi's cousin Sonny, and Sonny is loud and always hungry and three, which makes him basically a baby and Nina doesn't like hanging out with babies. She hears the shouts of boys playing soccer a few streets away but she's in no mood to go play with them or watch right now. Vanessa's home is too far away: Mom says she can't walk that far on her own.

 

Nina looks around, trying to find anything at all she could play with. She should have taken a book with her. Her teacher says she's the best of her class in reading. Nina likes to be ahead. It makes her feel like she can do anything and she wants to know how much further ahead she can go, how much harder she can work. Every gold star is a step along the way of her being the best Nina Rosario she can be. Dad says to make him proud, so that's what she does.

 

Without her noticing, she's been staring at the fire escape for a long time now. _No_ , she tells herself, _I shouldn't_. She's not allowed on the fire escape unless her parents say so, unless there's an actual fire. Those are Mom's instructions and you can never disobey Mom. _Never_. Nina's window has a view to the big metal staircase but she has never disobeyed the orders. She's a good daughter.

 

  
_But Mom said you can't go out to the fire escape from your room_ , a wicked voice in the back of her mind says. _She never said anything about climbing it up from outside_. She bites her lip, her conscience torn in half. The few steps she takes to the bottom of the stairs feel naughty, forbidden. She looks up at this huge metal structure. It's so big. Has it always been like this?

 

She checks if anyone is looking at her. In the bodega, Usnavi's dad is whispering into the ear of Usnavi's mom and she giggles, slapping his arm. Daniela is reading a magazine inside the salon. The street is empty. There are no sounds coming from Abuela's − hopefully she put Sonny down for a nap. Cautiously, grabbing the banister, Nina starts climbing the first few steps up the fire escape. Soon she's at the first half floor and she's already taller than Dad, if he was to come by. She's not sure he'd even see her up here. She climbs further, higher, and she's reached the Gonzalez apartment now, with their Mexican flag in place of curtains. She almost knocks at their window to show them how high she is so far, but at the last minute she remembers they'd tell her parents and she can't have that. Another couple of flights, another, and she recognizes the fresh varnish of her window that Dad applied last month. For the first time, she dares to look down and she almost gasps at the sight.

 

Everything is so _small_. She feels like a giant from up here, like this block is too small for her. The bodega is no bigger than her hand from up here and she pretends she can hide it entirely behind her fingers. She smiles. This is way better than waiting around with the other kids, way better than playing. It's almost as good as reading, but not quite, because reading really is amazing and her favorite thing in the world. She feels like Charlie Bucket and she's just found her Golden Ticket. She's on top of the world, a whole new world. She wonders if she could bring books here − it feels so quiet. She could get a cup of hot chocolate, a blanket and ten books and spend all day here, but at some point she'll have to go back.

 

"Meow!"

 

She looks down through the grate right under her, and spots Playas, Usnavi's cat. He let Sonny name her to make him feel welcome at his new home with his auntie and uncle here in New York. The cat jumps up the stairs and comes rubbing against Nina's legs. She picks her up, showing her the whole barrio spreading around them.

 

"Is this what you see all the time, Playas?"

 

The cat meows again, louder, and Nina lets her go. Playas is like Sonny, fierce and stubborn, but up here, maybe Nina will finally make friends with her, even though Playas usually ignores her and everyone else down in the street. She feels like nothing is impossible up here. She's had a taste of the heights now. She can't settle with what ground zero has to offer anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	2. 6 or Private library

Nina likes the summer, not just because she gets to see more of her parents every day, to play with her friends in the street and to buy _piraguas_ whenever the _piragüero_ passes by the dispatch, his voice booming all the flavors of the day through the whole block. The best thing about summer, what she prefers above everything, is that she has enough time to read every book in the world, or so it seems to her. She's only learned how to read this year and she feels like a whole new world has opened up to her. Is it possible that there is more to life than just this block and her family and her friends, and the bodega and the salon, and her school three streets away? Because that's how it feels now that she knows how to read and every sentence makes her feel like she's part of something more, of something big. She's tried to ask her dad about it, if he understands, but he just hugged her and told her that was because she was so smart. He always says that.

 

Of course, she reads every day. Of course, she reads more than she plays with her friends. When she wakes up that morning, she's thrilled already at the prospect of spending time with her favorite characters again, more so than playing with the others, even Vanessa, her best friend in the whole universe.

 

She climbs out of bed, puts on her slippers because even in summer Mom says she might catch a cold if she doesn't put them on, and before even going out of her room to have breakfast with her family, she climbs out of her window to her own very special place, the one even her parents don't know about. They don't know that she can just pull up a chair next to her window and that the fire escape is just outside and it's just hers. They don't know that all of her best books are there, and her favorite teddy bear, and they don't know how perfect of a paradize she's built for herself out here and how much time she spends here.

 

Or so she used to. Because when she steps outside, carefully, slowly, she finds her paradise lost.

 

It rained. It smells like rain, the steps are all wet, and everything is ruined. She stays there helpless for a minute, still leaning on the wall beneath the window that's still a little bit too high for her, and she sees all her books lying there, messy and soggy and all of them wet, and it doesn't take long at all for her to start crying.

 

"Nina, are you okay?!" She hears her mom calling out but she's not okay, she is the opposite of okay, and she doesn't even remember the word for that, she feels like she's lost everything good in the world.

 

She hears more words, more calling, but all she can focus on is how deflated and ridiculous Mr Professor looks with his fur all wet and flat, how stupid of her to put her favorite books outside just because she wanted a place just to read, how sad she feels. Now her mom's arms are around her and she gets picked up and all she can do is sob against her mom's shoulder and hold onto her, hoping it'll pass.

 

"Shh, _mijita_ , don't cry…"

 

It takes many hugs and more kisses and going back inside to calm down with a homemade breakfast for her to explain what happened, but it's hard to tell Mom when she feels like crying all over again every time, and when she knows she's not supposed to go out to the fire escape in the first place so she's afraid to be punished. Thankfully her mom doesn't say anything about that right now and just listens to everything Nina confesses through the sobs. It was so perfect, a perfect place with just her and the stories, and everything is ruined now, it's all gone.

 

" _Muñeca_ , you know we are always going to help when something's wrong," her mom finally says.

 

With that, she takes Nina back to the fire escape and together they pick up all the books that have been rained on, all the stories Nina is afraid she will never read again. But her mom has a solution for everything. All day long and with Nina's help, she irons all the pages of every book, one by one, and they hang Mr Professor by the ears on the clothesline outside so he's all nice and dry by night. When her dad comes home, he asks for Nina, and her mom simple replies that Nina is reading on her own on the fire escape, but all the books stay safely in her room from now on.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	3. 7 or Sonny is a little monster

Abuela is sick today. Nothing major, just a common cold, thank God. Usnavi's parents are right by her side taking turns between taking care of her and keeping the bodega, but it means that Nina can't spend the afternoon at Abuela's with Usnavi and Sonny as she would have. Instead, all three of them are shipped off to her house so her parents can keep an eye on them.

 

Nina doesn't usually play with Usnavi. He's twelve years old already and even though he doesn't look that much bigger than her, he's lost most of his interest in her favorite games. He is very serious, or at least tries to be, and he's a very good son, Abuela always says. In that, they're not that different, but that doesn't mean it's ground for playing together. Nina is more the kind who takes her play very seriously, and Usnavi who forgoes playing altogether now that he's going to middle school. He's going to be a teenager soon and teenagers are _weird_. Benny turned thirteen last month and all he ever does nowadays is sitting around with his friends listening to loud music and doing nothing. She wonders if Usnavi is going to be the same.

 

"Mamí has paperwork to do," her mom greets all three of them when they walk into Nina's home. "I'm going to be in the kitchen. You play in Nina's room. And be good."

 

She uses her serious and scary voice that even Dad is afraid of and all three of them run to said room without needing any more prompting. Sonny immediately jumps on Nina's bed with a _thump_ and starts rummaging through her stuffed animals and dolls. He plays with each of them for just a few seconds before switching, squeaking a different voice for each of them. _Thank God_ , Nina thinks. Sonny can be very hard to keep entertained sometimes and it's rare when he finds something to do on his own. He's giving all the wrong names to her toys but she's willing to let that go.

 

"What do you wanna do?" Usnavi asks her.

 

She really wants to do her homework but she also doesn't want Usnavi to get bored when he comes here so rarely. She looks around her room. There isn't much here to entertain. She doesn't bring friends over all that often because her parents say it's distracting. Only Vanessa is allowed to come over but they're best friends and Vanessa is very easy to entertain. They just talk and play with her plushies and make friendship bracelets − she has enough friendship bracelets from Vanessa to cover from her wrist to her elbow if she wore them all at the same time.

 

"Is that Puerto Rico? That's so cool!" Usnavi cries out.

 

She looks to where he's pointing, that picture of Vega Alta that Daniela gave her for her last birthday, as well as a complete princess makeover on the house. It's very beautiful and she hopes that some day she gets to visit that island her parents came from that is supposed to feel like home as well.

 

"Yeah, it's nice."

 

"You've never been to PR, though, right?"

 

"Not _yet_ ," she says, because even Mom and Dad say they'd like to go back some day, even just for one summer.

 

"I wonder if it's as beautiful as Dominican Republic…"

 

" _Están haciendo mucho ruido_ ," Sonny complains from the bed, growling at Usnavi.

 

He's spoken more Spanish than English since he arrived straight from DR not too long ago and Nina wishes her Spanish was better so she could talk to him more, understand him better. Daniela has been teaching her but it takes time to learn a new language. Usnavi replies something that's too fast for her to quite catch, but his upset tone says it all.

 

"We can go to the fire escape if we're too loud," she offers.

 

"What? No, this kid has gotta learn to be polite when he's a guest. _¿Entiendes_ , _Sonny?_ "

 

Sonny sticks his tongue out at Usnavi, who looks ready to burst in anger.

 

"Come to the fire escape, _please_ ," she insists before drama happens, pulling on Usnavi's sleeve.

 

"Alright. _Sonny, you be good._ "

 

Sonny hisses at him, but he's also holding up Nina's cat plushie so they choose to let that pass.

 

Usnavi steps outside through the window and helps her out − she knows how to get out on her own, with her chair pushed to the wall, but it's nice to have him be kind to her.

 

"So this is where you spend all that time, huh?"

 

"Yep."

 

He takes a few hesitant steps, gripping the railing as if his life depended on it. He's always so careful.

 

"Look," she points. "You could see Abuela from here."

 

He looks across the street but the curtains are closed. Abuela is probably resting anyways. He plops down on a step and crosses his arms over his scrawny knees. She sits down next to him, even though the stairs are not her favorite spot, but she likes to mix it up sometimes. All of the fire escape is nice and thrilling to sit on because it's all so big and forbidden and entirely hers to explore.

 

"You're so lucky it's only you at home," he says finally.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Sonny, he can be a nightmare," he mutters, so soft and low she almost couldn't hear him if they weren't sitting so close. "I mean, I know he lost his parents and we gotta take him in because that's how it's done, and he needs us, but still…"

 

She definitely gets that. Sonny arrived a few months ago from Dominican Republic, all bites and endless energy and so _loud_ , and Mom says it's going to take quite a while for him to get accustomed to New York, but it's still a bother that on days when he's at Abuela's, Nina can never have any peace.

 

"Dad says he'll grow out of it."

 

"It's not like I don't love him, you know?" Usnavi says and that is such a grow-up thing to say, Nina thinks. "But he's also really annoying."

 

Nina pats his shoulder.

 

"At least you're not alone anymore."

 

"You're alone and you don't mind, do you? You get your parents just for you…"

 

Nina doesn't mind. She used to ask for a little sister or a little brother before, but Mom told her it was not going to happen, something about the garden being closed forever. She doesn't even know if they would have the space for a baby, actually. Their house is a bit small and there is only one room beside her parents'. Nina wouldn't want to share a room. Then she realizes that Usnavi has had to share a room since Sonny arrived and she starts to understand him a bit better.

 

"You just miss your parents!" She blurts out.

 

He frowns, because maybe it does sound a little bit silly said like that, but nods.

 

"It used to be just them and me and it was special, but now it's still nice but there's also Sonny being loud and messing with my stuff…"

 

Just like doom striking them, there's a scream coming from her room and they have to get back inside immediately only to find Sonny lying on the bed on his back, head hanging out and grinning at them upside down with his toothy smile, holding up her eagle toy and pretending he's getting attacked. Nina sees Usnavi's gaze soften. After all, Sonny may be so annoying and messy, but he's still family to Usnavi, and that means almost family to Nina too.

 

"Play with me!" He asks in his broken English − he spends most of his time hanging out at the bodega or at Abuela's and she indulges him and talks to him in Spanish, but Usnavi's parents say he'll learn English once he goes to school and you'll never even hear the difference.

 

Something about his smile and the way he giggles in his pretend play makes Usnavi forget about all the things he just said and they play together until it's time for them to go back home after the bodega closes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	4. 8 or Going to Stanford

Perched on the top step of the fire escape, Nina has a perfect view of her whole street. No one ever looks up. It's the perfect spot for days where she wants to feel like she can do anything. Or days where she is feeling down and needs to be alone a little bit. Or days where she feels _awesome_ and needs to be alone a little bit. Or days where she has found a perfect book and wants to read it just on her own. Like today.

" _Ay, ¿dónde está Nina?_ " Abuela cries out to no one in particular down the street. 

Nina knows where to hide from her − Abuela still hasn't figured out the fire escape. Not like her parents, but they're out of town for the weekend. Dad apologized profusely to Abuela for dropping her off for two whole days, even though she already had Sonny over, but Abuela refused to be called old and tired, so Dad just laughed out loud, told Nina to be good and kissed Abuela on both cheeks before leaving. 

 

"Where is this child? Oy, Juanito, ¿ _viste a Nina_?"

 

The _piragua_ vendor shrugs and gets back to singing that song she knows as well as him now. Nina knew he wouldn't know where she is. Still, she scoots back, almost her back to the wall but not quite touching it because it's far too hot. She opens the book where she left off on her lap and instantly, she's back in its world. Suddenly, she's not sweating in Washington Heights, she's hot under the California sun of Stanford University, and she's not reading this borrowed book on her fire escape but in the college library where she is studying with the best teachers in the world. She's so engrossed in her reading that she doesn't hear the creaking of the stairs until it's too late. 

 

"Found her!" Sonny shouts down to Abuela, who praises heaven.

 

Sonny's hair is shaven short for the summer, his front teeth are missing and he smiles like a little dork. 

 

Back in Abuela's kitchen, drinking a glass of cold milk, Nina finally voices what's been on her mind ever since she read the book for the first time last week. 

"I'm going to college."

"That's nice, Nina," Abuela answers, busy taking out a batch of cookies from the oven. 

Sonny was about to pounce on them (even though Abuela said they're too hot yet and they'll be nice and warm in ten minutes) but he turns around, mouth gaping.

 

"To _college_? When?"

 

"When I'm eighteen, dum dum, I'm too young yet!"

 

"Oh!" He smiles, relieved. "Good."

 

He starts eating his first cookie and turns pensive.

 

"Isn't college super expensive? Usnavi says it costs a million bucks."

She's thought about this too. The book about California she borrowed from the school library didn't say the price of tuition in Stanford, but she's heard Usnavi say this too when Abuela asked him what he wanted to do after school. 

 

"I'll start saving today. I'll ask Mom and Dad if they can help me. I want to go to Stanford."

 

"Wow!" Sonny says, his mouth all covered with cookie crumbs. "Where is that?" 

"Farther than Puerto Rico," Abuela replies. 

She's been very quiet this whole time and suddenly Nina wonders if she's being foolish, if she's dreaming far beyond the realm of possibilities for someone _del barrio_ like her.

 

"What do you think, Abuela?" She asks, now timid.

Abuela Claudia doesn't say anything at first, then she dives inside her purse and fishes out her wallet. 

"What…" Nina starts but then Abuela shoves a dollar bill into her hand. 

She stares at it and feels a bit like it's the first time she's seeing money.

"Your first savings, _muñeca_ ," she says with her special Abuela smile that feels like a hug. "Make sure not to spend it on candy at the bodega!"

 

"I'll steal it for you instead!" Sonny promises and Nina giggles.

 

"Don't let your uncle and auntie catch you say this," she jokes, then, more earnestly, she turns to Abuela and gives her a big hug, muttering many thanks into her graying hair that smell like soap and flowers. 

 

One dollar down. A million bucks minus one to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	5. 9 or Driving lessons

Nina may be in the best spot up here on the fire escape where you can hear everything and everyone in the _barrio_ but she's sure that the whole block can hear her father's frustrated groans all throughout today just as well as she does.

 

" _Carajo_ , that was a crosswalk just here, do you want to run over little children?!"

 

"Nobody's crossing the road, Mr. Rosario!"

 

"And did the sign that says to watch out for children just disappear, huh?"

 

Nina giggles behind her hands. For over an hour now, her dad has been teaching Benny how to drive − whether Benny has been learning anything is still left up in the air.

 

"Okay, okay… This is not working."

 

"What are you talking about? Car's moving alright."

 

"You haven't respected a single rule of traffic law so far! _This is not working._ "

 

They're back inside the dispatch where Nina can't see them, presumably for another theory lesson. There is no way Nina is getting back inside to check with the sun shining as it is. She's brought snacks, her homework, and at least two books she wants to finish today. She's all set for a great Sunday afternoon. She's done with her homework so far (including the extra exercises that the teacher said they didn't have to do − Nina always feels like she has to do them all) and she's just starting on her light reading on the history of New York when they get back out. She scoots to the edge of the fire escape to watch them go back at it. It's lucky almost no one drives on Sundays around here. Benny's reckless driving would probably cause five accidents a minute.

 

It takes about two minutes for her father to start yelling again.

 

"Do you WANT to kill people, boy?!"

 

"No, you know what, you know the rules. Study them, apply them, and then the lessons can start again."

 

He gets out of the car, and runs back to the dispatch. Benny hesitantly tries to park the car back where it was, but evidently realizes he hasn't learned that part yet, and just leaves it in the middle of the road. _Guess that's all for the driving lessons,_ Nina thinks and gets back to her book.

 

Before long, the stairs start to creak with her father's weight up the fire escape. Without a word, he sits down next to her. She offers him a Mars bar. He snorts, but takes it, and together they stare down at life on the block. Usnavi's cat is sleeping on the sidewalk. People walk by. The salon is closed on Sundays but Daniela is cleaning up the inside.

 

"It's like he doesn't _want_ to follow the rules!" Her dad says after a while. "He just gets from one place to another and doesn't care what happens in the middle."

 

"He's just starting, Dad, give him a break."

 

"It's not that, _mija_ , I _know_ he knows how to drive, he learns very fast."

 

That he does. Benny is quick spirited and always willing to try new things, it's one of the reasons why Nina likes him so much.

 

"I can't employ someone like that, Nina, I need my drivers to be professional."

 

This is new information.

 

"You want him to work for you?"

 

"Well, yes. Why would I teach him how to drive?"

 

"Just to be nice? I thought you were teaching him cause he's like family."

 

"Hmpf," her dad grumbles. "Yes, that too."

 

"Well have you told him you want him to work for the business? He might take this more seriously if there's a job offer behind it when he's old enough."

 

He looks at her surprised, but smiles and musses her hair.

 

"When did you get so smart?"

 

The next Sunday, the lesson is much quieter. Benny even starts wearing nice button-downs to these the following weeks and very soon he becomes the best driver of the barrio. When Benny passes his license test with flying colors, Nina's dad takes him and Nina to lunch to celebrate the future best worker of his company.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	6. 10 or Graffiti Pete

Nina can't sleep. She's all tucked in bed, lights out, Mr Professor her teddy bear snug in her arms (her favorite even though she hasn't played with him in a while, she's ten now, she has work to do, she can't play all day like she used to), she's kissed her parents goodnight hours ago, and she's wide awake, staring at the ceiling covered in all the pictures of California and Puerto Rico she cut out and pinned up there.

 

She tries to imagine what her parents would say if she woke them up. Her dad would probably just grumble and go back to sleep instantly because no one is as heavy a sleeper as him. She asked him about insomnia once and he said that all the smart thoughts are partying in her brain and keeping her up. Her mom wouldn't be so patient. She'd just get Nina back to bed with no question and no explanation, and that'd be the end of it. Insomnia is another word for disobeying your parents. She's a very light sleeper. A few times in the past, her mom came to her room to ask why she was making so much noise when Nina was keeping herself busy during her sleepless nights, so Nina has started taking her fussing to the fire escape where no one is there to be woken up.

 

She stands up, grabs a flashlight and a book and tiptoes out of her room. The air is fresh in the middle of the night. One of the streetlights is out, the one by the bodega and the salon. She sits down right by the edge, the most thrilling seat, and she tries to dive inside her book again to calm her mind. It's some light reading, a book on Cuba she bought for Abuela and from which she has been reading her the best parts every day. But it seems like today is one of _those_ nights where her mind goes faster than she can keep up and she can't focus, much less rest. She realizes she's been reading the same sentence over and over and over, her thoughts wondering and soon her eyes as well.

 

Down the street, Usnavi's cat is lounging, sneaking. Nina follows her around with her eyes. Playas is a predator, she's probably spotted a rat or a small bird somewhere that Nina can't see because it's so dark where the streetlight out to be lighting. She should ask her parents if they would let her get a cat, she thinks. Cats are fascinating. Suddenly Playas hisses and jumps ten feet in the air, or so it seems from up here, then she runs off as if she'd seen a ghost and for the first time Nina hears hushed voices from the darkness.

 

It's too far to catch their words or recognize their faces, but she knows them at once as the group of vandals Usnavi has been complaining about. One of them turns on a radio he's carrying, the volume low, which Nina finds considerate at this time of night, a few start rapping along the beat, and the smallest of the figures breakdances in the middle of the group under the others' encouragement. If Nina couldn't sleep before, there is no way she's going back to bed _now_ , not when she's in her favorite spot observing this odd gathering at the deepest of night. She's not afraid of getting found out. If no one ever looks up during the day, who is going to at night, in almost utter darkness? She watches on. At some point the little one gets singled out, a bulky backpack shoved into his hands and, after a round of slaps on the back, is left alone.

 

For a while, he stands there watching the others walk away, even after their voices stop echoing in the dark, then he pulls down his hoodie and starts pacing the street. When he reaches the closest crosswalk, light shines onto his face and even from the distance Nina realizes she knows who he is.

 

"Peter?!" She cries out, forgetting herself.

 

She clasps her hands to her mouth but it's too late. He is already looking around frantically and she dashes down the fire escape so his fear is short lived.

 

"Oh, jeez, it's you, Nina! Gave me a scare here." He scratches his shaved head and gives her his crooked smile. "Wait, whatcha doing up at this time?"

 

"What are _you_?"

 

His grin turns wicked and he opens the bag he was left with. He holds it up under the streetlight to show her that it's filled with spray cans of paint.

 

"Are you gonna tag a wall or something?"

 

"Not just _anything_ , Nina, this is the most important graffiti ever!"

 

"That important, huh?"

 

"Yeah, they said I just gotta do one graffiti tonight, and they'll let me in, and then I won't be boring Peter anymore, I'll be Graffiti Pete, isn't that so cool?"

 

"Aren't you a little young for that? Also let you into what?"

 

"Into their group, dude, they're so cool! I just gotta tag one wall tonight and I'm in."

 

She's not sure she agrees that they're cool − there is nothing cool about vandalism if you listen to Usnavi, but then again, Usnavi is a very grumpy person. She also doesn't know if teenagers should be giving tests to children like that − Peter is about her age. They go to school together, and here he is hanging out with delinquents while she's reading and trying to be a good daughter. They're very different people.

 

"Alright, what are you painting?"

 

"Shit, I dunno, man, I just gotta let it flow through myself and then just _do it_ , you know what I mean? Just let it come."

 

She doesn't know what he means. Acting loose and spontaneous isn't really her forte, Nina plans and sees ahead and calculates. Peter is nothing like her, it seems, he's just looking for the perfect wall to put down his bag and start painting, just like that, and there's something about so much freedom that she admires. Or maybe she's just very tired, even though it's so late, and her mind is more impressionable than it usually is. It could be either one.

 

"You gon' tell Usnavi if I tag his grate? It's the biggest of the block, I really wanna impress the guys."

 

She weighs the pros and cons. On the one hand, it's not right to tag other people's properties and she knows for a fact that Usnavi won't like it. On the other… She really wants to see what Peter is capable of doing. It's the middle of the night, it's not like anyone is ever going to know, she tells herself rationally.

 

"Cross my heart," she swears.

 

Peter gives her that grin again and, running to the bodega, drops his backpack against the grate and starts taking out the cans one by one. Nina lights him up with her flashlight and once he gets to work, magic starts to happen. She doesn't quite see what he's doing at first, but soon it becomes obvious that it's a self portrait, with the words Graffiti Pete encrusted in the drawing, and the style is very good for a ten-year-old. She wonders when he ever had time to learn how to do this.

 

"Almost done," he says eventually. "You wanna contribute?"

 

"I shouldn't…" She starts, but as soon as she says it she knows she can't let the opportunity pass up on her. "… Alright but something small."

 

She draws a small flower in a corner − her art skills are really not up to his level whatsoever, but she feels naughty, in a good way. She bids him goodnight and rushes back into her room before anyone can see that she's become a vandal. She dreams of endless paintings.

 

The next day, she tries not to smirk when Usnavi complains to Abuela about the little punk who tagged his store, now known as Graffiti Pete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	7. 13 or Panic Attack

Nina can't breathe. Her throat feels the size of a cantaloupe and it's starting to itch and her limbs won't obey. She's afraid of staying here forever, stuck half way through the window to the fire escape, and her mind is filled with nothing but thoughts of failure. Painfully, she manages her way out on the metal stairs with a sharp _thud_. The air is cold, icy wind blowing in the winter night, but her whole body feels tingly and too hot at the same time. She rolls up against the wall in a fetal position. Her hands are shaking and she grips the railing to still them, with moderate success. She lets time pass around her and wonders how long she can keep going with such heavy breaths they're painful and panic rippling through her body. She's starting to feel like normal breathing and heartbeat must be a thing of the past she'll have to forgo from now on. After a hundred years, she hears the stairs creaking down below and Vanessa rushes to wrap her arms around her.

 

"What the hell, are you okay?"

 

Nina notices her cheeks are wet, and vaguely registers being pulled to her feet, and she still feels so hot… She realizes Vanessa is trying to wrap her thick woolen scarf around her neck and pushes it away.

 

"Too hot…"

 

"Okay, no scarf then… God, Nina, _breathe_."

 

Vanessa's gloved hands are on her back, rubbing circles just this side of too rough, but that's Vanessa for you, isn't it?

 

"Shh, it's alright… Shit, no, don't cry, it's fine, you're fine!"

 

Vanessa's hand find hers (Nina didn't notice her taking off her glove but she's seeing all blurry), and she joins their fingers. Nina knows she's gripping too hard but Vanessa is strong, she needs her to be strong now, she needs someone to make her see the light. She needs her best friend.

 

"You doing alright?" Vanessa asks after a while.

 

Nina's hiccuping, her breath still coming short and too fast, but little by little, her senses come back to her. She's starting to feel cold and realizes that getting out on the fire escape wasn't the best ideas in her pajamas at night.

 

"I'm cold," she moans.

 

"Yeah, no shit," Vanessa snorts. "Let's get you inside."

 

Vanessa grabs her hips and pushes her through the window, not ungently, climbing in after her as she's done so many times before.

 

"You need to go to bed," she says as she sees Nina rubbing her sides to try and get warm.

 

Before Nina knows it, Vanessa has tucked her into bed so tight only her head is coming out and she's patting her head, humming softly.

 

"This is barely necessary," she huffs.

 

"Shh. You were literally crying like five minutes ago, you get tucked in bed with a lullaby."

 

Nina rolls her eyes but takes it anyways - she does need some relaxing after a panic attack like she's had. It's not the first one, but it's one of her harshest to date and she's so lucky she managed to text Vanessa before the hardest part struck her and she wasn't on her own to deal with it.

 

"Thanks," she mutters.

 

"No prob, Bob."

 

They stare at each other in silence before Vanessa decides to make herself comfortable. She takes off her thick jacket, her scarf and hat, and drops onto Nina's beanbag, grabbing some book from Nina's desk. Nina is starting to feel a little bit drowsy when she speaks again.

 

"So, what the hell happened?"

 

Nina tries to find the best way to explain _I heard my parents talking about money and I'm afraid all my dreams are crumbling away from me. I don't know what I can do to help them, I'm only thirteen, why is college so expensive, why isn't their business successful enough? Why are we poor? Why do we have to work ten times harder? Why is life so unfair en el barrio?_ But there's nothing about that that Vanessa wouldn't know.

 

"I don't wanna talk about it."

 

"Right."

 

Vanessa sticks around for a little while, watching over her, and god knows how long after Nina falls asleep. She's gone by morning and they never mention it again. But each time Nina shoots her a text for help, she knows Vanessa will be there, and that's a certainty she's lucky to have in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	8. 14 or Getting a C in gym once

The stairs keep creaking even after Nina sits down. Someone went after her. She sighs and tries to rub off her tears, even when she sees it's just Vanessa. She expected her. It's not as if she made a sneaky exit anyways. It would be more surprising if she did not get followed after walking into Abuela's home for the afternoon with Van, but immediately just shoving the report card she got today into Abuela's hands and running outside to the closest fire escape.

"So…" Vanessa starts but instead of going on, she sits down next to Nina, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

Nina prefers her sitting that way, because if they're both staring ahead, she can pretend that Vanessa couldn't possibly notice her crying, even if her shoulders are shaken by sobs.

"What the hell happened?" Vanessa asks, always blunt as a hammer.

As if she needed her best friend to remind her of this failure.

"I don't know, okay? Maybe I should take up jogging, or I could climb stairs to build up a better…"

"Oh my god, Nina, I'm not talking about the grade, I'm asking about the freak out you're having just now."

Nina sniffs loudly. She hates being gross like this. Vanessa hands her a handkerchief that looks like it comes from Abuela.

"Thanks."

"So?"

"You're not going to let this go, are you?"

"Oy," Vanessa squeezes her closer, "I'm allowed to worry about my best friend, alright?"

"Mmh…"

Just breathe, Nina reminds herself. She counts the seconds in, the seconds out. Vanessa is rubbing circles on her back and little by little, the tears wash away. She feels ready to talk.

"I got a C," she groans.

"In gym," Vanessa adds.

Nina buries her head between her knees in shame.

"I got a C in gym."

"No one cares about gym, Nina."

"Of course they do!" She jerks her head up. "They care if I have a C in it!"

Vanessa rolls her eyes, which makes Nina want to sulk even more. She loves Vanessa with all her heart but she can be so in your face for matters like this. If this was coming from someone else, she'd be mad.

"You're not looking at this the right way," Vanessa tells her. "You see one C in gym and you get all freaked out, but the reason you're so worked up to begin with is because you've only ever had straight As everywhere else so far. That's what I see."

She doesn't get it.

"But at Stanford they'll…"

"Stanford is four years away, okay?" Vanessa cuts her. "They're not going to care about one C in gym in middle school. No one cares."

"I care!"

Even tough and matter-of-fact Vanessa knows that tone − in fact, she's one of the only few who Nina lets see this side of her. She gets it and shuts up even though she looked like she had more to say. Instead she takes a curl of Nina's hair, wraps it around her finger, plays with it. It's soothing. She lets it go, pushes it back behind Nina's ear.

"You're going to be okay," she finally says, a whisper, a promise.

Nina lets her head fall against Vanessa's shoulder and tries to believe her.

"Gym is what folks like us get Bs in, because we're not the smartest person in the world like you."

"This crap again."

Vanessa snorts.

"You know it's true. None of us is gonna go to college, you are, because you're the best. That's not even an opinion, it's a fact."

"I hate when you guys say this. All of you are the best. Just because I want to go to college doesn't mean I'm any better than any of you."

"Well, then, if you're just like us, a C in gym isn't the end of the world, right?"

Vanessa is smiling, like she's tricked her into this, and Nina is tired of arguing so she just smiles back. It's a bit forced but it's the best she can muster up right now.

"Alright, let's go back then, because Abuela Claudia baked cake and there's no way we're letting Sonny have it all."

Nina snorts and follows Vanessa back down the fire escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	9. 15 or Loss

Vanessa's home is three streets away from Nina's, fourth floor, a big apartment with large windows and a comfortable kitchen even though neither of her parents cook. Or cooked, rather. She's used to the walk there as she is used to the walk to her own home. The fire escape is narrower than hers, and it leads to the bathroom and not the bedroom like in her building but it's quieter because it's farther from the street where all the kids love to play, by the park. Nina never uses the front door and the elevator, a habit left from a few times Vanessa and her sneaked out to visit each other when they were little.

 

Nina climbs the steps slowly, cautiously. She's still not entirely sure this is a good idea. Maybe Vanessa just wants to be left alone with her mother, wants to bear this on her own as she so often does. If Nina notices that she's unwelcome, she decides that she will leave immediately. Once on the fourth floor, she pulls out her phone and sends Vanessa a text.

 

_I'm right outside_

 

There goes nothing. There's silence, not just in Vanessa's apartment but everywhere around, as if the whole block was mourning this great man alongside the family he left behind. And then there's steps, a door creaking open, and Vanessa is by the window and lets Nina in without a word.

 

They pass Vanessa's mother slouched asleep in the armchair and Nina pretends she hasn't seen the bottle of tequila on the floor just within reach, likely because she passed out holding it. Vanessa opens the door to her room and lets Nina in first, then closes the door behind them carefully, with a last glance at her mother. Nina sits on the bed awkwardly (she's never felt awkward at Vanessa's before) and Vanessa joins her. She's still wearing the stiff black dress she bought for this occasion, her hair tied up and elegant, but her make-up is smudged and her eyes are puffy.

 

Time passes, maybe minutes, maybe hours. Nina has leaned back against the wall, Vanessa's head on her lap, and she's combing her fingers through her hair that is long untied, trying to be gentle. This kind of pain, however, is not soothed away with tenderness but only with time. What are you supposed to do when your best friend loses her father at only fifteen? What is there even to say? Tragedies happen, far too often on this block, it seems. She thinks of Sonny's parents back in Dominican Republic nine years ago, of Usnavi's parents a couple years later. How many more of her friends are going to suffer like this? She wants to be there for all of them, but deep down she knows that nothing she can do will ever be enough.

 

"Daniela offered me a job at the salon," Vanessa says after god knows how long − the sun was already set when Nina arrived, so there is no telling from the dark sky.

 

"I thought you hated the salon," Nina notes and immediately regrets it. How supportive is it to criticize the first thing Vanessa says to her tonight, the night after her dad was buried.

 

"We need the money," Vanessa answers plainly. Her voice is hollow and void of any emotion, which hurts more than if it was sad, somehow. "Mom drank all week, I don't think she… He was the one who… The landlord said we might get kicked out. _We need the money._ "

 

In all of this, Nina hadn't even thought of the material aspect of this loss, but is reminded now that Vanessa's dad was the one with a job, the one who paid the bills. For the millionth time, she wishes she had more money, so she could give it all to Vanessa, but she doesn't, not even enough for Stanford yet, and there is nothing to do.

 

"What about school?"

 

"I don't care about school, Nina," Vanessa sighs, exasperated. "I'll never be smart like you, I could just drop out now, I don't care. I need to work if I want a roof over my head."

 

Nina doesn't know what to reply to that, so she doesn't, and instead leans down to give Vanessa a hug. It's an awkward position, but Vanessa takes it, her hands squeezing Nina's arms.

 

"I love you," she says, because at least that's something that'll always be true and will never hurt. "I'll always be there for you."

 

Vanessa doesn't reply, she rarely does, but her fingers trace circles on Nina's arms and she knows that's as good an answer as any.

 

"Can you stay the night?"

 

In truth, Nina knew Vanessa would ask and already told her parents she'd spend the night.

 

"Of course, anything."

 

Nina lets Vanessa change out of her dress (she suspects she might throw it away as soon as she can), she puts on some PJs she keeps here for surprise sleepovers and wonders if that'll ever happen again. Vanessa's life has changed fundamentally now. What if she never gets back to being the kid that she was before that car crash again? What if she never has time for friends, never has time for herself anymore? Nina vows that she'll always love her and support her no matter what, even if she drops out, even if she works at the salon instead of going to school, and deep in her heart she hopes that Vanessa _knows_ that. They share Vanessa's narrow twin bed that night, arms tight against each other.

 

It's the end of an era, the end of a childhood where Nina and Vanessa both had two parents and everything felt a little bit safer, and the beginning of a new chapter in Vanessa's life that feels like the whole genre of the book went from YA to horror in the turn of a page. So be it, Nina will still devour that book and be there every step along the way to support Vanessa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	10. 17 or Girl Talk

"Guess who I just did!" Vanessa proclaims loudly as soon as they even reach Nina's door.

"Shh!" Nina checks the stairs to make sure no one heard − thank god her parents are downstairs and didn't catch it, or she'd hear about it. "Not in here, oh my god. C'mon."

She gestures to the window and Vanessa gets out first, smiling in advance. Nina follows her. It's one of these slow afternoons in early September when all the kids are already back to school but high schoolers still have a little bit more time left before the endless pressure of homework and essays and schedule and work starts again. Vanessa managed to get a day off at the salon, Nina's summer job at the day care ended last week and she's done with her load of work for today already. It mostly consisted of reading the textbooks in advance and outlining the hardest parts − not the most thrilling summer activity, so she's thankful for Vanessa's visit.

"So," she asks once they've sat down out on the fire escape, their backs to the wall, legs all spread out to take the sun. "Who did you do?"

"Tomás," Vanessa grins. "Just now."

"No? Tomás, wow. Didn't think he had it in him."

One day, Nina will stop being such a gossip. Not today, though.

"Neither did I, but I promise he does. It was great."

"Was it? How come you're here so soon?"

Vanessa snorts and starts playing with Nina's hair − she likes Nina's curly hair, Nina likes her straight hair. They find ways to make that work.

"His parents came back home early, while I was, ya know…" She makes some crude gesture with her hand and mouth that Nina half wishes she wasn't familiar with already. "He was mortified."

She leans back, her head against the wall, still smiling.

"It was cute," she adds, as if her face didn't say it all.

"Well, still, I'm sorry you didn't get laid."

Vanessa nudges her playfully.

"I got laid, alright. But once. I wanted to do it twice."

"Oh my god you unstoppable hoe," Nina chuckles. "Better luck next time, I guess?"

"You bet. You know me, I'm a slut for nice guys with a bit of facial hair and cute arms."

That, Nina knows. Tomás is far from the only conquest Vanessa's come to tell her about, not even the first this month. Sometimes it seems to Nina that her best friend and her are dwelling in completely different worlds, but at the same time, she intuitively and firmly believes that they're exactly the same. Everyone on this block has their mountain to climb and their ways to unwind mid-climb. Vanessa works her ass off to pay the bills when her mom won't and there's barely any time left for fun, so she indulges in a night here or there, an afternoon with such and such when she finds the time. She's admitted to Nina that she feels she might explode if she didn't have time for any of that. And Nina isn't all that different. Sure, her workload is essays and college applications and books, so many books, and her leisure is a comfortable night at home with her parents or at Abuela's, but it's all the same process in the end.

Sometimes, she wonders how well they'd both fare if they lived each other's life.

"At least one of us is getting laid," she sighs. "Am I going to end graduating at like thirty because I'll fail every step along the way, never find any guy and stay a spinster for the rest of my life?"

Vanessa laughs out loud at that. Nina can't help feeling grumpy − she knows Vanessa is frank but it doesn't mean she likes being made fun of. But Vanessa twirls a strand of her hair again, all shades of kindness in the gesture.

"You," she starts and pats Nina's head, "are going to graduate as fast as humanly possible, find an amazing guy who loves you and cherishes you and ravishes your lady bits."

"You have the soul of a poet."

"I do what I do," Vanessa smirks. "But seriously, Nina. There's no rush. You're the best, you have better things to do, I'm just wasting my time cause I'm young and you have the soul of an old lady."

"Don't say that like what you're doing is any less important to you," Nina retorts.

She never likes when Vanessa gets like this, all down on herself. It's like she doesn't see her own worth, not even when Nina shoves it in her face.

"Yeah, well…"

Vanessa's phone buzzes in her pocket before she can get to the bottom of that thought. Great. Destiny itself is preventing her from being self-critical. As it should be.

"Okay, Tomás is asking for round two right now, his parents are out for the night."

The way she looks at Nina, like she's asking permission, like Nina's opinion matters more than anything, it's uncomfortable, but Nina can't really voice that right now, maybe never.

"Go have fun," she tells her and Vanessa is up in a second, about to go down the stairs when Nina calls her back. "Wait, Van."

"Yup?"

"I love you. You're the best."

Vanessa never knows how to react to compliments, so she shrugs awkwardly, but Nina will keep telling her until she knows she's allowed to believe it and to just say thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	11. 17 or Almost there

Nina missed Sonny's birthday. She'd marked it down in her planner, but in the middle of her ever growing list of assignments and duties, she missed the tiny scrawl that said "Sonny − 15" and it slipped out of her mind. She realized it the next day, and ran to the bodega, pulled Sonny into an apologetic hug, and he really appreciated the kiss on the cheek and said it more than made up for it, but Nina has felt on the edge ever since. She'd never forgotten Sonny's birthday before.

 

It's not the first time that things fall through the cracks, though. Sure, she doesn't typically miss anything as important as a birthday, but she has gone far too many times without answering texts or checking up on friends, she's stopped going to Abuela every single day and she doesn't always make time for breakfast despite her mother's very clears instructions on the matter.

 

She's busy. School has been keeping her stressed out for weeks and she's lost all time for anything else. Her whole life is college applications (she's still praying for Stanford, though she tells herself to be reasonable and to be content to settle for a local community college if Stanford refuses her) and writing and reading and studying and it feels like her head is a barrel that keeps getting filled with all these facts like water poured in and she doesn't want to think about what will happen if the barrel overflows. What will become of her then, when she's finally learned too much and can't retain anything else? But that hasn't come to pass, every day is a new load of work that she crams into her brain successfully, though she loses sight of everything else.

 

Her parents are very proud of her. Everyone is very proud of her. She's the star of the barrio, everyone has heard that the Rosarios are sending their daughter to college, the first time in the history of Washington Heights that a Puerto Rican is going to college, and she's getting congratulated by everyone. Abuela says she always knew Nina would do great things, Usnavi begs her to come home when she's done studying, Sonny asks if he can come with her. And she hasn't even been accepted yet.

 

Nina closes down her planner for the night, all the items of the day finally crossed out. It's already dark outside, it always is. She tells herself it's lucky she always had troubles sleeping, because sleeping enough is not something she can afford, not now, not when she has dreams to achieve, not just hers but everyone's dream to send her off to shoot for the stars. Her hands are stiff from writing for half of the night and her back is killing her, but somewhere in that ache there is satisfaction. Out of her window she sees that Benny's light is still on across the street and she wonders what he's doing, but climbing down her fire escape and up his feels like something she ought not to do.

 

Still, her brain is still work-rushed and she gets outside just for a short moment and for once, climbs the highest steps to the upper floor where she feels on top of the world. Her heart is drumming as well, it always is these days, the pressure never off. From up here, nothing seems impossible, everything seems worth it. She feels able to live up to everyone's expectations from here.

 

Benny's light is still on, down there and she sees his shadow stand up and walk towards his window until he leans out of it and stares up at the sky. From up here she knows these things, she knows the habits of all people who live in her radius. She won't call to him, there is no use, but she can look up at the same sky as him. One day they might stargaze together, when there's time. From up here she's above the streetlights and she probably sees more than him. The stars are faint but still visible and she remembers the few constellations Abuela told her about when she was little. _Same stars here as in PR_ , she tells herself. _How would Nina Rosario from PR have enjoyed this?_  


 

It's a question she asks herself less than she used to, because her reality of being Nina Rosario from New York is becoming more and more overwhelming and thrilling, with all the duties it involves. Nina Rosario from PR is living her own life in some alternate universe, maybe a simpler one, maybe a happier one. Definitely one with better weather and less anxiety. Not that her anxiety isn't manageable. Her panic attacks are getting under control and only ever come up at the worst of times, and not every other day like they used to. She doesn't sleep all that well and she doesn't eat enough and she doesn't socialize enough, but it's only for the rest of the year, at least she tells herself. The closer to the end of the year, the closer to her goal, the harder on herself she's being, but it's only temporary. Once she becomes a college student, she can't imagine life being stressful like this. Not when she's achieving what she's supposed to be. Besides, if she's in California, it's going to be impossible to feel stressed, with the landscapes and the beaches and the people. Stanford will be nothing like New York.

 

Her thoughts are getting calmer and she tells herself it's time to go to bed. On her way down, Benny notices her and gives her a smile and a dorky wave, which she answers in kind. Maybe that's something else that she might have time for when all this pressure cools down.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	12. 18 or Abuela's recipes

It's past midnight by the time Nina comes back to her dorm. She know she shouldn't have taken that extra shift today. She has five chapters on American history to read before tomorrow and a literature essay due on Friday, and her whole body feels sore and exhausted already from too much standing around at Burger King's.

 

Every bone in her body pops as she stretches her arms over her head and her stomach grumbles. _That's what you get after not catching a break all day_. She gets out of her coat and puts her bag away. No reading before she's had a chance to grab something to eat. On her side of the wall, her California clock says 00:34 am. The New York clock Sonny bought her with his own pocket money, picture of the Statue of Liberty and all, says 3:34. Too late for her Wednesday night call with her mom. She sighs. She's not going to hear the end of it, missing a call. It's the second time this month. She pulls out her phone and there it is, seven missed calls and twelve texts. She shoots back that she's alright, just tired, and she promises to call tomorrow. She knows it won't do.

 

The kitchen at the end of her hall is too neat, too tidy for a group of freshmen (then again, many of them can afford to eat out) and _far too tidy_ for Nina's taste. She misses the smells of her mom's kitchen, the messiness of Abuela's kitchen constantly used, she misses the cooking lessons with Usnavi and Sonny and late night dinners with all the drivers every month and lunches where she kept pretending Benny wasn't flirting with her.

 

She pulls out the binder where she puts all of Abuela's recipes, new ones sent to her every few weeks, and traces the handwritten letters with her finger, thoughtful. Abuela can't write, so the boys did it for her and Nina would recognize Usnavi's narrow but neat handwriting and Sonny's messy cursive among thousands. She couldn't even imagine owning an actual printed cooking book instead of her own. By now she knows all the recipes by heart but she still takes them with her to the kitchen.

 

Thankfully no one is there as she makes herself a bowl of beans and rice. She has frankly no energy left for playing the same game of pretending she's one of them around the other students. Even in this dorm, the cheapest on campus, even though they're all college students and supposed to be broke, the reality of their lives is taking place in a different realm than Nina's. She's the poorer to their poor. In the back of her mind, she can hear Sonny hollering about white privilege and glass ceilings and social ladder and she smiles, bitterly. She misses that boy more than she'll admit.

 

It's quiet at this time of night on a week day. There's the faint sound of a movie playing on the other end of the hall, some voices and laughter in another room, but the rest is silence. Nina ponders on the possibility of getting caught and decides that it's late enough that no one will see her. As in New York, they're not supposed to use the fire escape except on cases of actual fire. Quick and efficient, she opens the window leading to the stairs and steps out, balancing her plate and a spoon on her way out.

 

  
_Yes_ , she tells herself under the night sky, _much better here_. It's not as cold as New York, but if she gazes at the stars long enough, she can pretend she's back in the Heights and waiting for Vanessa to arrive any second. She suddenly craves to hear her best friend's voice, but at 4 am in New York, there's no way she's not sleeping, and even if by any chance she's awake, there's no way she's just available for chatting with no company of her own.

 

Briefly, though not for the first time at all, she wonders what Nina Rosario would be doing if her family had never left Puerto Rico. _I wouldn't be on this fire escape_ , she knows. _Or any fire escape_. Her mom has showed her pics of where they lived, twenty-seven years ago. You can't climb as high in Puerto Rico. Maybe she'd have been content on the floor, wouldn't have felt the urge to climb up here, always higher, till she feels she can touch the sun if she reaches out her arm. But she's not in Puerto Rico, she's in Stanford and crumbling under assignments and work and she's lying to her parents and she has no idea how to get out of this mess she's put herself into.

 

" _Paciencia y fe_ ," she whispers to herself in the night.

 

The sky doesn't reply, taunting her with its darkness. She finishes her beans and rice and gets back to her room, because she has five chapters to read and an essay to get started on and morning classes tomorrow, so sleep is going to be a rare commodity this week, but this is what it takes for your dreams to come true, isn't it? She starts up a pot of coffee on the brewer she keeps in her room. It tastes nothing like Usnavi's, but it'll do for now. She has work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	13. 19 or Drop-out

Nina's dorm room didn't have a fire escape ; it was on the other side of the hall on her floor. Her room had a thin window but it was trapped next to her desk at a weird angle and she couldn't even lean outside it to look outside. She'd still look out, but the only moments she had to herself were moments she snatched late at night after work to try and read her textbooks and the only view was the dark sky. How fitting.

 

Her friend Meg's got a fire escape that reaches right by her window and that's where Nina is climbing, with only her backpack and a thick suitcase containing of all her belongings − who knew she owned so little. They're heavy and it's late already. The walk upstairs is long and every step Nina is afraid the RD is going to hear her and tell on her, but then again, what could happen to her if they do? Are they going to kick her out of school _twice_? Out of her dorm _twice_?

 

She doesn't remember for sure which floor Meg is at. It might be the third, the fourth, she's not entirely certain and at this point, the one thing she knows is that she isn't in a state to be seeing anyone. She crashes down onto the metal grate of the third landing and maybe for the first time since the dean told her Stanford was no longer her home last week when she received the eviction notice from her dorm, she allows herself to cry.

 

Her whole body is aching for the Washington Heights, for a time when she still felt in control. This isn't how any of this was supposed to go. She wasn't supposed to count every penny, buy the cheapest food in bulk and still struggle to get by every single day and eat beans and rice every night, she wasn't supposed to miss classes to fit an extra shift of work into her schedule because she can't afford not to, she wasn't supposed to lie to her parents whenever they asked her how school was going. She'd always had her life all figured out, every day a step forward towards her goals, and so far, Stanford has done nothing but take a giant dump on all that. So she lets herself cry bitter tears that taste like regret, like failure, like lost dreams, and she lets herself mourn her future that might never come to pass as she'd planned.

 

"Nina?"

 

Her head shoots up. Meg's round and friendly, albeit tired face is by her window and she looks concerned. This also wasn't supposed to happen. Nina tries to rub her cheeks dry and pretend this is all normal, fine and dandy, but she knows she won't fool anyone. Meg may not be a childhood friend and may not have Usnavi's or Vanessa's experience with her, but it doesn't take a genius or a lifelong friend to get that she looks like shit.

 

"What are you doing here?"

 

"I got kicked out," Nina says, her voice a whimper that she hates. _Be strong_ , everyone said back _en el barrio_ , but no one ever told her that being strong wouldn't be enough.

 

"Of your room?"

 

"Of everything."

 

Meg looks confused, but nods and steps aside.

 

"Come on in, then."

 

It's later than is considered polite to visit anyone unless you have ulterior motives and Nina hates to impose on a friend, but it's not like she has any other resource available right now. What is she supposed to do? Stay at some hotel? That would cost money, and money is the last thing she has right now.

 

"D'you wanna stay the night, then?" Meg asks, pulling Nina into a hug that she sinks into. She nods, squeezing tighter. If she holds her tight enough, she can pretend these aren't Meg's arms but her mom's, Abuela's, Vanessa's, she can pretend she's not intruding on a friend but just on a visit home, she can pretend everything is fine.

 

It's not. It might never be again. She's had her shot and missed it. The only thing she can do is close her eyes, sleep, and hope that the nightmare won't follow her into slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	14. 19 or Benny

Dawn is almost breaking and they're still up here on Benny's fire escape. They sat down last night to watch the sunset, they talked and kissed and talked more and just never got up again. Not that the opportunity hasn't presented itself.

 

"Are you sure you don't want to go back inside?" Benny asks for the hundredth time.

 

"The sun isn't up yet. I'm fine right here," Nina says, "With you."

 

She feels his smile against her neck, his arms holding her even tighter from behind. She leans back against him, so strong, so comfortable, and tries not to think about the fact that she isn't going to be able to do that for far too long from tomorrow on.

 

"Alright," he whispers and presses a kiss against her skin, and another, another.

 

She's going to miss this, she knows. At the same time, it's nice to know she'll have such a special and beautiful thing to look forward to every time she comes back home in New York. All summer, since that first kiss, since that first night, she's marveled at what life threw at her all at once, all they've lost, but also all they've gained. She thinks of Abuela every day, and though her heart aches she also thinks of the beautiful awning Pete painted for Usnavi that she sees whenever she walks out of her house, she thinks of all the stories he told her about Abuela just this summer, stories he never seems to run out of, she thinks of how much she's learned about her dear Abuela only now that she's gone up to heaven for her one final praise to god, and how much she loves her so very very much, and finally, she thinks of this, what she's sharing with Benny. _This summer wasn't all bad_ , she tells herself as he holds her so tight despite the heat.

 

"I want to see you again," he says.

 

She smiles.

 

"We live on the same street, I think you'll see plenty of me again."

 

"You know what I mean," he chuckles.

 

She has thought about it. There is no way she can simply wait for Thanksgiving, if she even gets to come home for that, or worse, for Christmas, to see this man again. She won't accept that.

 

"The RA from the dorm I stayed at had very lax rules about overnight guests," she says. "If I get a room there again…"

 

"Mmh, I like that," he answers. "Visiting my college girlfriend right at her university where all the genius happens."

 

She laughs. She loves that word, of course she does. She's always been a hopeless romantic and this feels like a scenario straight out of the romance novels she read as guilty pleasure between textbooks in middle school. Nina the bright college student, girlfriend of Benny the rebel cab driver. Everything separates them and yet they find love − wouldn't this be so romantic on the back cover of a schmaltzy book? She is more than happy to be this man's girlfriend.

 

"I like that too, letting my boyfriend from back home stay over," she teases, "Very forbidden."

 

The sun is starting to rise on the horizon, or as far as this fire escape lets her see. The telltale song of the piragüero down in the street and the creaking of Usnavi's grate rolling up tell her it will be time to go soon, but not now, not yet, she still has plenty of time to share with Benny.

 

"I love you," he says.

 

He says it a lot, and always at the least expected times, like he's afraid he's going to lose her if he doesn't say it every so often.

 

"I love you."

 

She always says it back. She tilts her head to kiss him. Might as well get all the kisses she can while she's still here.

 

"What time is your flight?"

 

"Three," she sighs. "Why am I leaving again?"

 

"You have to study and achieve what we all always knew you would. And make us even prouder."

 

"Right, that."

 

He kisses her again, deeper, maybe one of the last times in a couple months. She cups his face, his stubble scratching against the palms of her hands. She wants more of this, one last time for now.

 

"Okay, we should get back inside for a little while, actually…"

 

He cocks his brow, smirking.

 

"My oh my, _Nina Rosario_."

 

"Oh hush, do you want good memories before I take off that plane or not?"

 

"You know me so well."

 

"Okay, get up."

 

They rush back inside so fast that they almost fall down inside his room rather than stepping in, and stay there until the sun has been well and up in the sky for a good long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


	15. 19 or If you're up there

It's been such a long time since she's last heard these footsteps up the stairs that Nina almost doesn't recognize Usnavi's stride, but here he comes all the same and sits next to her on the edge of the highest step of the fire escape, his arms on the railing, staring far ahead as she has been for the past hour.

 

"She never did like it when you climbed up here," he says. "She thought you could fall any second."

 

"But I never fell," Nina smiles.

 

She always knew Abuela's rule as a kid, no sneaking around to the fire escape, but she disobeyed it all the time. Abuela might have been an angel among her people, but she was also not a dreamer like Nina has always been, and the only way she fantasized at the stars was to think of her lost island, nothing further. Nina needed her time alone to let her thoughts breathe. These days, she doesn't even know what to dream for. She hopes for a successful year at Stanford, for Benny to love her all the days of her life, for the neighborhood to not fall into financial ruin, not before she can try to fix it. She hopes to feel better. She hopes for Usnavi to feel better. She knows what his dreams used to be made of.

 

"She'd be proud of you for staying," she says.

 

He doesn't reply, not immediately, but musters up a smile that might be directed at Nina or at their lost Abuela, with him staring right up to heaven.

 

"I think so too."

 

She takes his hand, pulls on it to give him a hug. It's been three weeks since the 4th of July. The pain is still sore, the wound still fresh, but it's so tightly linked to the new better changes in their lives that it's not easy to take the time to properly mourn her as she deserved in the midst of their new life following its course. They have been working on building a timeline out of the boxes and boxes of pictures that Abuela had stored up in her apartment. Usnavi has been cleaning them up and together with Nina they're sorting them every night, remembering fondly, but they both have been busy otherwise. Nina is still trying to give her new relationship with Benny the time it needs, trying to understand what it means to give a part of yourself to someone else, and get something of theirs in exchange, trying to navigate this whole new set of feelings. And Usnavi, he's spending a lot of time at Vanessa's, which she has teased both of them about endlessly, and he has a bodega and a cousin to take care of, trying to ignore that no one is there at home with a nice warm meal and a hug of congratulations for a hard day's work in the evening.

 

"Do you know that sometimes, I can't even remember my parents, I just…" His voice trails off and the words die on his lips. "Abuela was…"

 

"I know," she says, "She really was everything, wasn't she?"

 

"Some mornings, I wake up and I forgot somehow, I get ready to knock on her door before I leave for the day, but the room is empty."

 

"It's okay," she tells him and means it. "It's okay that you need time."

 

He's still in her arms, holding her so tight. Usnavi doesn't hug all that often but when he does, he clamps on people forever. So be it, Nina will take all his hugs if it makes him feel any better. She's trying to be strong for his sake, but the truth of the matter is that the pain hasn't dulled for either of them yet and she still misses Abuela terribly as well.

 

"I'm trying. I'm really trying. When I lost them, I just… part of me was gone forever. And I had Abuela to help me through, but now she's gone too."

 

"You have us," she says, smiling, though he can't see her. "You have _me_. Vanessa. Sonny."

 

"Sonny needs me," he says and it sounds like something he's been repeating to himself a lot. He straightens up, pulling away, and his gaze is serious. "I can't just abandon Sonny."

 

"You didn't. You're here, you're home with us, and she would have wanted you here. You're making her proud."

 

He shrugs, but she still notices his mouth turning back into a shy smile. She really is so proud of him, this man she loves like a brother.

 

"Every day I see the grate and it's like a little bit of her is still left down here, you know?"

 

She's felt the same. She looks down to the bodega but the grate is still up at this time of day. Sonny is keeping the shop, with Graffiti Pete sitting on the counter beside him, chatting. He's healthy, happy, he has hopes and dreams. He's going to be fine. He has Usnavi taking care of him now, taking him in. The only rolemodel he needs.

 

"You're just like her," she says, and he frowns but she insists. "You are! You're… You're just _there_ for everyone. People come to you for all sorts of things and you help them, and you smile all the while and you make people happy."

 

He looks up to heaven again, as if asking Abuela her thoughts on it.

 

"As long as I don't have to wear her dresses and aprons," he snorts.

 

She laughs.

 

"Are you ready to go back down?" She asks.

 

"Not yet."

 

"Alright."

 

There is no need to rush him. They can stay up here as long as they want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you read this and enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment to tell me what you liked :) It really means the world to get feedback. You don't need an AO3 account to leave kudos or post a comment.


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